plecare

Imi doresc sa plec.
Sa pierd orice conexiune cu toti pe care ii stiu.
Sa ajung intr-o lume pe care nu o cunosc si care sa nu ma cunoasca.
Sa am o munca de om obisnuit, fara pretentii, fara ifose (si asta doar pentru ca banii nu cresc in pomi)
Sa imi fac munca banala si sa ma duc acasa, adica intr-o incapere mica si banala.
Sa fac doar ce este musai pentru a supravietui.
Sa mananc chestii care nu necesita preparare si spalare de vase.
Sa dorm intr-un pat pe care sa nu il strang la treezire.
Toata curatenia sa dureze 10 minute maxim.
As mai dori, daca se poate, sa dorm zile si nopti intregi.
Ca oricum lucrul cel mai rau la somn este ca te trezesti din el.

Nu mi-a cerut nimeni opinia daca vreau sa ma nasc sau nu.
Daca ar fi facut-o, ar fi primit NU.
Vreau sa plec.
 Adica vreau sa imi inversez nasterea.

demons of obsession

I have always had bad habits that hinder my well being.

recently I have also developed obsessions.

horrible obsessions, that draw all my energy.

obsessions that occupy all my thoughts and that become my everyday life.

vampire type obsessions.

obsessions that keep me trapped in a spider net - the more I struggle, the more I am doomed.

obsessions I go to bed with

obsessions I see in the darkness of the night when I have no sleep

obsessions that are sharing my morning toothbrush habits

obsessions that make my breakfast vapid

obsessions that don’t fade away no matter how much I compulsively eat.

obsessions that are here to stay.

and I see how I lose myself in these obsessions

I see how I live not my life (whatever that might be) but my obsessions

obsessions that chose instead of me to obsess and not live.

I have asked someone how to get rid of bad habits and obsessions.

the answer was: you just do.

well, my latest “you just do” lasted 4,5 minutes.

not very convincing, isn't it?

pohui

I am

I am frozen.
I am stuck.
I cannot move properly.
I feel no pleasure on doing what I used to like and I was passionate about (kinda).
I stand in front of work projects and I cannot start them.
I stand in front of a job change and I cannot endure the perspective of changing.
I look at others happiness and achievements and that makes me feel anguished and contempt about myself.
I look at other people real-life sufferings and I despise myself for my miserable me.
I cannot breath properly.
It feels like something is stuck in my neck.
And I have a huge burden over my chest.

start over

after a long time of no posts, I start over.

because this is not here and this is not me.

because my thoughts about inner me need to be put into words. because this is one of the few things that I can still do.
because I need to have something to hang on to. another something to try to have feelings about.

what will come will not be pretty. but then again, I am not.